Sta.sh
The purple spots on
her arms are from blows of hate
and demeaning words.
Her eyes filled with the
mirrors of the universe.
Her courage, fading.
The candle relates
her tourniquet; a divorce.
Will she drink wine?
Shall she find release
in the bittersweet snowfall
that is broken love?
Neither. Among dust
she will abandon chaos
and find endless peace.
Within the light and
mirrors of the universe;
her friends forever.
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As a poet my self, I find your style of writing this poem a bit different and I really like that, compiling Haiku together to create a whole poem is a great idea, and what is even greater is that you can take each stanza alone as it is, it is not necessarily connected to the one before it, nor does it complete it in a way.. but as a whole they all complete and compliment one another to give us this beautiful poem.
Very appreciated. I do try to think outside the lines while still respecting the art of poetry (both western and eastern). I am happy they have a diversity about them.
This was a wonderful comment, I thank you -
Tristan Cody.
I will try to read more of your work, for you intrigue me.
You really get across the hardship and pain of the Subject (the person about whom the Speaker is writing). I get the feeling the Speaker (sometimes the poet or sometimes another voice written by the poet) has a close connection to the Subject, and that the Subject is someone the Speaker greatly admires.
Originality: 4/5
The poem really picks up momentum and originality Stanza 2. The way you manipulate language really gives the piece a haunting yet realistic tone.
Technique: 4/5
The only issue I really have with the piece is Stanza One. It's the only stanza that doesn't show your talent with manipulating words. In this case the simplicity of the first stanza takes away from the poem. I'm almost tempted to suggest omitting it completely and starting from Stanza 2.
But I get the feeling that the stanza shows something key to the Subject's life, so I think I will attempt a rewording that matched the rest of your poem.
"Purple spots on her
arms are blows of hate
and demeaning words."
Impact: 5/5
If this were in a poetry magazine, I would mark the page as a poem I could relate to. A poem that speaks to me, even though I have not experienced what is happening in it. I want to know more about this person the poet wrote about, and I really want to help them - because they seem fragile despite all the strength that comes later on.
I would like to say that stanza one is intentionally like that. It actually has a symbolism deeper than just the flesh. I cannot tell you what because it needs to be found by the reader.